Pages

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Letting the fire go...

Just finished a guided meditation while laying in bed from a new app on my phone...my mind has a way of running away in thoughts and sometimes I just sit on my computer and try to catch them as I type... For me it's just an exercise to chase them and get them down in writing. Another exercise is to eliminate all that jibber jabber and find the stillness and the silence... I feel like I can hear crickets in my mind now. I feel like I can feel my whole body more, like it's gotten heavier in the mattress and I feel much more relaxed than I usually do. At first through my guided meditation I felt uneasy about just accepting to empty my thoughts from my brain I felt a big swirling tension behind my rib cage like by my heart it was really big though and was restricting me from being able to relax and enjoy the process... It was really bad. Maybe I should also tell u that today I broke up with my boyfriend. It wasn't the first time but it's never been so bad and this time it really feels like it's over. I have been pushing him away for quite sometime now and it's hard to think that it really could be done... I'm unsatisfied and that won't go away... My parents have their point of view and I seriously don't want to even speak with them bc I really don't care what they have to say about this. After all it's my life and my happiness and my choice in love not theirs. It makes me feel really heavy and like I ace nobody to talk to about it. I just don't want to talk to anybody about my problems... I rather find my own way,,. My own solutions, my time, my way, I try to choose what's right for me and nobody can help me... I'm the only one who can truly help myself and I think I'm going the way that I should go for me. I want to focus on myself. I want to do exercise to get my mind off of things. Look for a Part time job to fund my little projects... I need to make a little more money to help me get the materials I need and slowly have more samples up on my website of my designs in working on. This is what is making me happy. This  is what I'm going to focus on. This and becoming more and more organized. I have made a lot of improvement and I'm feeling good about what I have created I will eventually push more to get to market, put ads up or SEO help through a friend on my online store. I'm also going to be living quite meagerly the coming months... The way most artists do. And the final goal will be to have less stuff of my own, quit styling entirely and be able to live in a small studio with just enough that I need. I will be minimizing my collection of materials since styling has led me to gather so many things I am going to let that go and only own what I need and cleanse my life of all the clutter. This process is not starting now, it has started many years ago! This year I must have donated like 5 or 6 huge IKEA bags of things to charity. I feel like I still have too many things and I am going to keep trying to downsize! I wish I had a shop to put it all in... I would live in my shop! I am on the journey to a simple life, I want to invest in my creations and materials to make new things and post the samples in my online store so that they can be made to order. I am going to meet with my new seamstress tomorrow and a meeting with a new "guide to new designers" type woman. I need some help from ppl who know to get my ideas to make money! So basically I feel like I am a smart, creative girl who needs to keep doing what she is doing and eventually I should get lucky with something. In the meantime I need to get a part time job to keep me on schedule so that the days I have free are focused on creating the new ideas and designs... No more party, not even tempting to me anymore. I feel really focused I just feel like I am having some financial difficulties but WHO ISNT?. I will let you know how my meetings go... It should be interesting. I will be doing more guided  meditations and seeing sunsets, hiking, gym, jogging, walking ROXY, bike riding, jacuzzi, steam room, writing, organizing, creating, making, painting, collating... And all of the things that make me feel fulfilled. Amen. Goodnight.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Write something...

Try less and just say U will do it instead. The would "try" brings with it a weakness... Your like allowing yourself to take a rain check before you've even started so you won't have the same energy in the intention. But U know that already DONT u? Well it's important to remember that anything you want to do can be accomplished in its time in your way but it can and will as long as your want hasn't diminished by the forces that try to discourage or simply difficulties and those are all making the journey much more rich with all sorts of other lessons me discoveries for your lifelong voyage so it's like a blessing... I remember ppl telling me that but now I get it and I hope I explained it better than they did. Lol. I think I'm a good explainer but a lot of times ppl just have to learn it their way on their own. That's not my truth for human nature BC I hope that someone that communicates to U whatever lesson is saying it in a way that it's your language... The same thing can be said in so many ways that I hope the right ppl are paired up to discuss life and sometimes how they say it can really spark something in U when its the right time, having has such n such experiences in your life to apply it with the visuals it's so strange yet when u think about it, try to open and expand on it. So many times it sounds like a broken record. So it doesn't move U so much.. Like being a teen and hearing the rules I actually followed them more than you'd like to think. I just didn't like the dress code clones they tried to make of us BC it's like making us look so dorky! The skirt to the knee was the worst look for me! I seriously looked like a Mormon like that. So we got to wear khaki pants and we could buy from a brand like Gap or whatever and U wanted to get the right ones that U liked. And they were but then they would shrink in the wash and look short which wasn't cool back then and I would wear sneakers or sketchers and imagine what a dork I still looked like w a polo ... So I would wear rings. And ribbons in my pony tail, & dye my hair w kool aid and be about stationary like Hallo Kitty to write my friends notes. I stated a lot of trends in those days, unintentionally. Clips on both sides of my hair then everyone was doing it... We would wear band aids on our legs when we didn't even have cuts but cuz they were neon they were a fashion statement we could get away with. Great memories. Anyway. Life is much more tough now than it was. It's good to relax but so much to do and keep track of... It's like we all need a manager right? Not just me? Lol I seriously could benefit from one. When you have a job that doesn't fluctuate much, U know how to get the deeds done cuz they are the same or similar over n over... But when your an idea person or a designer or an artist it's things that you don't know how to do all the time so it's your job to explore or figure things out like mcguiver and it keeps it fresh project to project I know but you look at life and the future seems a bit more fearful I guess and I hate to say it but it's like where am I going? And U just keep going... That's all U can do lol. Ppl get married, have babies and do life like they should and I just look at it like a blank canvas that doesn't have any visual to figure and I'm or we are supposed to fill that in w our imagination... That's what a vision board does and having a vision creates a want and an intention a guide to get U where u want and to fill the dreams you intend for. I know this is sorta how it works BC it's worked for certain things. If u look at your life, U can find that U got a lot of what U wanted cuz u just did, somehow it's like a dream come true... It's a hell of a force that exists within us and anoungst us and  it's so powerful that we must know we are responsible for guiding the power and thinking of what we want cuz we are creators of our realities. I say realities BC it's also how we interpret the story as opposed to what occurred in the big picture and U can swallow your story however which way you'd like... U can choose to remember the bad parts or the better ones that if u do u can find the feeling of gratitude. That's a strong positive reinforwcement for your insides to align more accurately with the power of what U want. If not it can distort and you can dwell on that and bring that closer to U like a similar energy your juggling with. I thought like I was undeserving of some of the things that happened to me so I thought about them a lot and how unfair the incident was and how sad and what a victim of it and that sadness I went toward was addictive! Like an excuse or a story I made more permanent the more time I spent there. I liked crying cuz I felt it was beautiful, I felt like I was the good guy who got hurt by a bad guy and I thought to myself how lucky and good it felt to know I was in the good guy spot and how I ratherwd than being in the bad guys place BC then I'd be wrong and the one who has to live with hurting someone. I liked living in the place of knowing I didn't harm one I was harmed and for that I was a better person and the pain was real so I couldn't get over it BC of my ego... My ego was one that was never to be treated that way and I was not  aware that the sooner I move on the better.// your focus has to change and that was hard to do BC of the pattern I got myself into. 
Mostly I was living as a bad example to my younger cousins. Friends I had couldn't take the state I was in. Nobody could tell me the right thing I needed to hear for me to get out of it and really I was alone in the circumstance cuz everyone else has their life, their other story and their battles that they have to deal with and I can't say mine was more painful but I can say that I chose to swallow it so very slowly and I was in that stupid place for as long as I wanted to be there for. That's a very stupid situation but it's understandable but what's key to this is knowing that that was my choice to interpret it as I did. Every situation is what u make of it is another annoying lil saying ppl say cuz it's not referring to this its just referring to life events and I think it's more about how U deal w life events... U can look on the bright side and be easy going and see a problem as a challenge or U can also avoid it and try your hardest to in the end just make it more difficult lol. So annoying to sound like a teacher about that! So I don't like that saying BC let's say your trying to follow the saying so U want to have a great day... Let's say UR in a plane. Now u want to make the best of it so UR nice to your neighbor. U try not to think about how uncomfortable U are in the worst seat design known to man so U choose to think about how many millions of ppl have to do the same and how it's actually pretty funny... Blah Bla Bla and make the most out of your time on the flight. But it's just truly annoying the whole time!!!! It's making U pay for a meal now. The time on that plane is going by so slow, UR so trying to find a way to sleep somehow and it's just all wrong, the ppl talking. The baby crying, one guy farted, the desicion if to have a drink or stick to water cuz it's better for U and saves U $ U end up getting a drink cuz it makes the flight more fun. You entertain yourself by going through all the radio channels, reading two entire magazines, writing a to do list. And unfortunately only networking w the lottery of who your seated next to. One day maybe they will pair us by facebook likes LOL. And a plane the same size could appear bigger w a clear rooftop to see the clouds and the wall at your side could be covered w a pillow, the tray will be able to move in more ways like a GPS stand, the halls will be two lanes for passers by, and we still won't be satisfied l. So what u do then is remember how perfect things are now. Might be cool to know a lil bit about who UR flying with if we could say a lil something we want to share not our profile it's too much information. Just what u do or something.. Where UR going in that city that U would cab share things like that.. It would make a plane have a social feature for connecting as a feature. Just a silly thought for now but I would be interested to use it to promote my store, it's our own right to advertise ourselves in a way to strangers we aren't allowing a chance to get to. Many probably would use it especially someone with fame unless maybe that guy from Elf lol not even Chelsea Lately would. But an up and coming or a person who wants to create a positive image. If we could share a humanitarian issue we could share awareness by only sharing it in the square of our own seat, equal boxes that allow us to reflect a commentary or our BUISNESS could turn into a gimmick along side Kickstarter for those who are curious to know we could make a difference within that flight time frame and then when getting our bags be more connected through a topic therefore making it more pleasurable to stand together eliminating the awkward silence and feeling accomplished about the flight in the case that we gained something, after all we did put it out there. It's our responsibility to make that useful and our freedom to choose not to. Everything remaining PG and publicly allowed would eventually lead to rules that define our freedom of what to say and how many characters long a space. It's just a thought. It's just also a way to evolve w what we say there so that it's of the moment. Changing. And it could be a funny thing to write about in the case it works out for something. Cuz limited to one person or two U sit next to is limiting your ability to see and reach somebody who is more valuable for you to connect with and we all pass by one another in the streets and in the transportation system with no sense of connection. With earphones on or texting BC we have to do something that puts us in a box and gives each other their space and we steal a state to judge them for what we interpret them to be.. And unavoidable prejudice inflicted. How much money they have, are they better than me, even if they have nice things we look for a flaw like thinking up a word to assume they are say insecure cuz they felt uncomfortable when U were looking.. Or she's a snob cuz she didn't get up
For the elder or the vibes of citizens exhausted and drained and unhappy. But if we had entertainment we may like or not like it we may not be in the mood, we may not have any loney to give... But maybe it brings us together or a smile to a tough day.. And we get to hear that ladies laugh... And it's contagious so U liked it and U replayed it in your head 3 times. U want to remember that. U enjoyed the organ as a man who knew how to play it was generously doing it w care when the girl kept on her headphones U slightly thought about what she was missing and if she would value it as U did. Or that the other had no choice but to hear, and that made all the difference. The poles reminded U of a stripper pole. U envisioned a quick music video,. The ladies reading glasses and how U wish u were as organized and as responsible to read the paper. The little boys feet couldn't touch the ground. The city went by us in a flash and ppl walked above us. U wish u had your bike but not right now since it would suck to carry it up all the stairs. The trains could be like traffic cars... All fully lined up and constant for the flow of always catching one. They should have ramps for us to post a bike or luggage on and it help us move uphill/ 
This is turning out to be too long.





Friday, October 3, 2014

Happy...

I'm gona have to sit down with all my notes from the past few days of #docsGetReal a convention for documentary filmmakers I attended with my mom. Today was the last day and then I took my mom to eat at RAW on Santa Monica Blvd, she was in such a good mood that it made me feel happy, she loved the food and ambiance even though we were practically the only ones there. I thought that was strange!! How could that place not be doing better? I now want to do Julianos Raw cooking class. So yea, you take a bite and it has this journey of flavors in your mouth and you allow yourself to slow down and really appreciate the combinations of things and how they make you feel and how your mouth waters and how it almost speaks to you! Then your own body cells... I can almost hear them say Thank You! It's a delightful experience, the way food should be more often. I also now want to tutor Spanish LOL I know it's pretty random but I speak perfect Spanish, I mean, perfect! I might make a grammatical spelling error or not know the waning of a difficult word but it's all in me since Spanish was my first language. I grew up in Spain my first 8 years before moving to London where I learned English. I'm typing into my phone quite fast and in the total dark as my mom lightly snores next to me, she's in town til Monday. Also, Roxy lays diagonal by my feet. I need many different sources for my income to be coming in BC I'm an artist and not everything I spend my time doing makes money. I'm trying to figure this out pretty heavily now, I don't pay my own taxes and DONT even talk to be about my expenses and what I pay for rent. It's like I'm 16yrs old in a 30yr old body. They have a new movie coming out staring Keira Knightly about that LOL I gota see it. So I'm working on getting my online store set up perfectly and carry new brands that I can advertise and market. I want to pay for THAT and help promote things I like and that would be nice to do for friends. It's been a learning experience and I feel confident about it, I will figure it all out myself as I have been already doing, I'm not scared of THIS. I am more afraid of rejection than failure I think BC I know I can't fail and it's just a growing process. I have all the tools I need to succeed I am looking for better friends and partners to join forces with. I am an idea machine and nothing an stop me. So the website is progressing, the styling is a side thing because it's really hard on my body and I don't needi care about to do free work unless it's a collaboration worth my time. I rather not. I would need to find an agent and I haven't even started looking! If I get an agent it's styling gigs more often but is that REALLY what I WANA do? It's a side thing. I also sell KANGEN water filters, it's an ionizer for the water to transform into its pure natural powerful state and rid the flourise and chemicals in our running tap water. It was improved my insides, my skin, my feeling, it's like having rusty pipes in your body with regular tap water and with KANGEN it's drinking a high alcaline antioxidant water instead :) so You should get one from me! ;) I also make jewelry... I am designing samples of arm-bands with secret pockets and looking again for a new person to make them for me. I need it to be a very high quality product and I've gone through so many people and spent so much money on this it's been so darn difficult but I am still here with it and have tons more things I want to design and work hand in hand with people who can help me create these things. I make necklaces, unisex bracelets are finally up on my site! Www.tammystees.com I am really enjoying using my hands and experimenting and it feels good to make wearable art pieces and people to buy them off me by bringing a few to a party and selling them to people I meet. I would LOVE to get an internship with a fashion forecasting company and get my feet wet with heavies that do what I think I am talented at. I'm obviously trying to do lots of things and they are all things I like doing... I also have an idea for my next movie which happens to be another art piece so... Sooooo... Where does the money come from? For me it's not so much about theoney but I mean I like spending it so how am I supposed to have a way to get by? To pay rent, travel? Have kids? Pay their college? Retire? This isn't looking up! How is little me, lil crazy me, lol free spirit ME supposed to really make enough to say, invite U to dinner? It's an occurring thought in this brain... It's a true story, it's not a joke, it is what it is and I'm admitting it! Well, how are you doing it? Most ppl I know aren't either! Many are BC they went the right way and now are maybe a lawyer or a surgeon but I don't WANA be them LOL. No. So imagine how many God damn bracelets that would have to be?! Lol. I'm full of talent but I need some business minded friends to help me. I want to have a real store one day... It's not just a store, it's an art gallery & cafe! I have the vision and hopefully the discipline to keep it all together. SURE I'm unpredictable! But that's the predictable part ;) I wana keep things fresh and moving and exciting! I care about people, the environment, I love fashion, I was a concious venue, an inspiring place, the place I want to go when I want to go somewhere... It doesn't exist and I want to create it. So, for now. I'm preparing for that... It might take me 10 years but I will be getting myself the friends and experiences I need to feel like I have the best plan of action and team too make my dream happen. I will also need your help :) I want your help today adk tomorrow and the next to give the world a positive thought whenever u can and pray that this happen because it's also yours, it's not only mine, I want to be a part of something great to give it to you! To help us all succeed, to unite us all, to share laughs and health! To do the right thing for the world, bring awareness to issues and make it easier for us to make a difference in the world. To make a change. To make you and me happy. 

Friday, September 26, 2014

Thoughts...

People are scared about what they really think, they block their flow of certain thoughts, they cloud their silence and stuff it with music so that they can't hear themselves.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

A baby Buddha...

The answer lies inside of me. The question is what to do? With not enough time to do everything I want and so much I want to accomplish! My latest idea is making chandeliers... I really want to make a chandelier! Like an up cycled thing or an old one that I can add things onto. I would like to learn how to weld. From that I would like to create art installations and maybe even an art car but large scale or larger for now is something I want to do. I'd like to weave a huge wall sized material the way I make my chain bracelets to be almost like a curtain... I see the panel sides being that size... I can do it! I rather have some help of course and it is more fun that way. I want to make a lot of things so I guess for now I'm doing things in smaller scale and getting really good at it so that I can get the material for larger soon. I also started working with leather this week... I have tried out some interesting tools that can puncture and it's all by hand... The next step for that is to buy beads. Everything costs money and materials are expensive and I also got ripped off by a guy... (He said he would give me my money back, I gota go back there).. I want to volunteer, I want to help out in a farm and get dirty and use my hands, I want to live by the beach in a warm place  and feel like I'm part of a community. I want to help ppl. I want to create events and gatherings and teach ppl how to make things and collaborate with interesting talented ppl! I want to meet people and make more friends. I want to read books and write poems and take pictures and sing to the birds. I want to drive w wind in my hair through a wheat field. I want to sit under a tree and laugh at nothing.  

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

So FaceTime...

Hi, so eventually u might end up running out of shit to say... Or you would hope so cuz you want to keep things fresh LOL. Why is it the first day of fall some place and the hottest day of the year somewhere else? Is technology bringing us together within the distance of time that seperated us before we became so close so now so true so now so FaceTime. So here so he so here so her so FaceTime. So FaceTime. Thank u. So,

Wednesday, September 10, 2014